Lying or delusion?

I’m not sure whether I’ve simply been lying to myself or deluding myself. Either way, I haven’t been honest with myself about my running. Having been forced into this running break as I recover from a herniated disk, I realized just how off base my running has become.

I came back to running three years ago after an 8-year absence. I’d given up on ever running again after shinsplints, shredded knee cartilage and constant backaches drove me from it. Then I found ChiRunning and it gave me my running life back.

This time, I promised myself, my running wouldn’t be about the miles, the splits, the races – none of that goal stuff. Running would be what ChiRunning Danny Dreyer suggested, it would become a practice much like yoga, pilates or Tai Chi.

I failed miserably, and it wasn’t until this latest hiatus that I realized it. I became a certified ChiRunning instructor and told myself and my students how I run for the joy of feeling my body move. That was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth.

I told myself I carried a Garmin to make sure I didn’t run too fast and or too far. I told myself running was not about burning calories. I told myself I wasn't being obsessive just because I made getting my workout my biggest priority and would feel like I failed if I didn't get the predetermined number of runs in. And above all, I told myself I wouldn't compare myself to other runners. The truth is I cared too much about weekly mileage totals and splits (as slow as they were), number of calories burned and how many workouts I got in each week -- and of course, how I didn't stack up to other runners.

So now having made this confession – or realization – I try again once more. I won’t be running for several more weeks at least. And when I do return, it will be slow, slow, slow and not a lot of mileage to start I imagine. Not that my weekly mileage was ever that much to begin with.

I’m declaring here and now yet another effort to keep running in its place. That’s why I’m going to make biking, weights and eating healthy the primary way to help drop a few pounds, and put running into the same place I put yoga.

My Saturday morning yoga class is sacred time. For nearly 2 hours, I attempt to go within and simply focus on breathing (not all that successfully most of the time). I never (well, rarely) compare my ability to others, and even if I do, I don’t judge myself for not being as flexible or as strong. With yoga, there’s no focus on achievement just on the doing and being. And now I just want the same attitude in running.

I don’t consider myself a “yogi” because I do yoga; I just do yoga to do it. I want to run simply to run not to be a “runner.”

I want my running to be sacred time. I want to stop if I need to (no make that “want” to) – and not care or feel like I’ve failed. I want to run as slow or as fast as I want – and not care if it’s fast or slow compared to other runners. I want to run because it feels good not because I want to slim down. I want to run because it makes me happy not because I feel compelled to get a certain number of runs in this week.

I realize this philosophy will be met with disdain by many a runner, who live for the races, the splits, the weekly totals, the goals. But here’s the thing: None of that has worked for me. What’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? So it’s time – for me – to try something new. If only I can.