For My Mom

It's been more than two weeks since my last post. And life has changed. Running didn't take on the same meaning, nothing took on the same meaning during these two weeks. My mom went into the hospital on April 13. She died on April 21 -- my birthday.

In many ways, this was a tremendous blessing. My mom had Alzheimer's. Most days she experienced all of the indignities of this ugly disease. On her good days, she experienced terror and depression, realizing what was happening to her.

My mom was my best friend until I was about 18. We sort of lost our way with one another after that. She was not the easiest person to love sometimes as all of my family will tell you, but we did love her. During the last week of her life, I uncharacteristically went to the hospital each morning around 6:45 to be with her for a while before work. I got up an hour early each morning to go. Normally, it's all I can do to get up 20 minutes after hitting the snooze a few times. It's as if my body knew I needed to be with her this time.

Each day I would expect to see her sitting up in bed. My mom had been sick with various problems her whole life and she always came back no matter how bad the situation. She almost died when I was 7 after losing half her blood. But each morning, she wasn't better. Nor was she better in the afternoons when I came back.

I would sit and talk with the nursing staff or hold Mom's hand and try to talk with her. With each passing day, her ability to communicate weakened. She could start her sentences but would mumble the rest. At first I thought it was the drugs they were giving her to calm her so they could medicate her heart. Then they took her off the anti-anxiety meds and still her sentences would trail off. She knew what she was trying to say but the words just weren't coming. She wouldn't hardly eat or drink after the first day.

That week she was hospitalized was healing for me -- and her I think. We spent time together. I held her hand, kissed her cheeks, told her I loved her. We even spent a special moment on the day she died. I was born at 8:05 a.m. so that day I stayed on most of the morning. At the exact moment of my birth, I reminded her that 48 years ago in that very hospital she was pushing me out into the world. And I asked her if she'd like to give me a commemorative "push." She broke into a big smile.

She died very peacefully that evening. And while I was very upset initially that it happened on my birthday, my uncle put it in perspective for me. He said: You can now remember this as your birthday and your mothers' rebirthday. That feels pretty good.

My mom no longer is agitated, anxious, forgetful, fearful. She no longer is terrified of losing her memory or horrified by moments of forgetfulness. Through it all her greatest fear was that she would one day not recognize her children. That never happened. She knew each us of throughout. For that I am grateful. Because in my mind, she won. She didn't let Alzheimer's rob her of everything. And that is no small victory.

Starting Over

In my renewed effort to focus on the joy of running and not the numbers, I left my heart rate monitor and my Garmin behind for yesterday's run. No way to know how fast or how far I was going (well, I guess I knew how far because I was on one of my favorite routes). But no pressure to perform, no obsessing about my speed, no concerns about heart rate. Just a casual run.

I was totally relaxed except for the butt-dragging feeling in my body. My running form felt great -- no pains, discomfort; my breath rate felt good. I just like I was running with a hangover and I don't even drink. I'm not sure where the butt-dragging feeling came from, although I guess it could be trying to run fueled by fast food. I guess nutrition really does matter. Who'da thunk?

As Danny Dreyer says in ChiRunning, there are no bad runs, just good lessons. And the lesson for today: Stop eating junk (as if I really had to write that down).

One last note: Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. Let me tell you I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I waited a long time for the right man to come along and he was worth the wait. Happy Anniversary Gene.

Lost my way

When I started this blog, it was kind of a combination creative outlet/journal. My schedule being what it is, I no longer have the time (or maybe energy) to even attempt to be a Half-Fast, Pieces of Me, Notes of a Non-Runner, or Miscellaneous Ramblings of a Slow Poke blogger. And that's OK. But it's time to figure out who I am as a blogger and more important who I am as a runner (although I use that term loosely).

I have lost my way in both areas but I'm much more concerned about the runner. After a long separation from running, I promised myself if I was ever able to run again, I would do it with a renewed passion and joy. And I held to that -- until I started reading blogs. I got caught up in the numbers -- mileage, times, etc. -- reading everyone else's reports. And while that may be motivational for some, it just becomes obsessive for me.

So the solution is to get back to what matters -- or should matter -- most to me. And that is simply the joy of running and feeling my body move and being grateful for the opportunity to run pain free no matter how slowly or how few miles it may be. There is a great life lesson here for me -- one that I am learning over and over again: Stop comparing myself to others and start appreciating the journey -- MY JOURNEY.

This running thing has to be about me, my experience. Not how I compare to anyone else. When will I ever get my ego to hear this message? I guess the problem is I've always been a decent athlete. I'm in my high school athletic hall of fame. I played varsity college ball. But when it comes to running -- if teams were chosen for it -- I would finally know what it's like to be the last kid picked.

I am beginning to realize I am just never going to be a great runner, maybe not even an average runner. The sooner I really accept that, the better. And not just for my running but for life in general. It's time to accept me, the good, the bad, the average and the less-than-average. This will be no easy lesson. If I haven't gotten in in the first 47 years, maybe I'll get it in the next 47. I certainly hope so.

Happy to be running

Today I wanted to try 5 min run/1 min walks to see how it felt and if it would speed me up. It didn't go so well. I was exhausted from the get-go. So 3 miles with half-mile runs at a faster pace followed by 1 min walks was harder than I expected, but I made it. It turned into an interval workout of sorts.

The good news I was running, period. There was an 8-year stretch when I couldn't run because of pain. And now I can (thanks to ChiRunning). Everything else is gravy. Plus it was it was 70 degrees and sunny. I was able to work on my form which felt pretty good, but I would have liked to have relaxed more (a big component of CR), but when you can barely breathe and your heart is racing at 175 bpm, it makes it tough to relax. Anyone know a cardiologist who specializes in heart rates that spike in the first 90 seconds of running and don't come back down (even on a slow mile)?

The other good part of today's effort -- the excellent massage I had after the run. I am going to start scheduling all my massages after a hard workout. My calves have been tight since this weekend (biking seems to have aggravated them), but the massage therapist worked good and hard on them. She thinks it might be a lot of lactic acid. So more water -- and less Diet Coke, plus ice and heat after running and we'll see how the calves react to that.

I had my third meeting with a personal trainer today. I'm on my own from here. It's been hard enough to find time for four runs a week, and now I am trying to fit in 4 30-minute weight training sessions set up by a personal trainer. We'll see.

I love spring!

What a weekend! First, a nice 7 miler yesterday and no serious tightening in the calves and hip later. So this morning I headed out for a 3-mile recovery run, and still no discomfort. Woo-hoo! I think I figured out why my calves tightened up the last few weeks -- I forgot to do my leg drains.

In Chirunning, we do leg drains at the end of stretching after the run. Just lie on your back with your feet up against a wall for 4 or 5 minutes. It lets all the pooled blood and such drain out of the legs. Then massage the calves and thighs like you're wringing out a rag and voila, legs feel great the next day. With ChiRunning my legs never hurt the next day but my calves can get pretty tight even with good form, so leg drains are a life-saver.

It's funny the CR focuses that will come to me during a run. I left the heart rate monitor at home and just decided to run 3 casual miles. The first mile today was OK although I could tell I was tired from yesterday (probably too much Diet Coke) but I was fine. The second mile I was feeling more tired than usual (of course I wasn't using walk breaks) but the third mile, I started thinking about my posture and my legs starting from the midpoint of my spine (T12/L1) and my stride opened right up and I felt so much better. Another time I focused more on trusting my lean and again my form just really opened up and breathing was easier not harder even though I was speeding up.

I have been so lethargic for so long that I'm thrilled to have run so well both days and have enough energy for a 16+ mile bike ride with Gene after lunch. Must be the great weather -- 61 degrees and sunny.

3 relaxed miles = 11:52

Sometimes waiting is good

I didn't run Thursday or Friday this week. I just couldn't face 40s and 50s and rain one more time. I can hardly believe that 8 weeks ago, I ran in 15 degree weather. Back then 50 degrees and rain would have seemed spectacular. But the weather was supposed to break this weekend, and I was willing to wait.

Sometimes waiting is good.

What a gorgeous day today. I started with 90 minutes of yoga at 9 a.m. then had two pieces of toast with PB and a G2 ,and watched part of a movie before heading out into sunny skies and 50-something degrees around 12:30.

I wanted to run 6 miles today. I decided to experiment with slowing down a bit and running 11:30 miles plus 1-minute walk breaks after each mile. The idea was if I slowed down, my heart rate would slow down. This experiment failed pretty miserably. The alarm telling me to slow down kept yelling at me the entire run, but I just couldn't slow my body down enough. I managed to run about 11:20 miles but by the end of the third mile my max heart rate was at 175 and the average was like 166. According to my age, my MHR is 173 but today I reached 177 and have reached 183 before. My MHR may be even higher than that, and no, I don't have heart palpitations or feel like I'm going to die when I hit these numbers. Still 164 -- even with a 185 MHR -- is too high for a LSD run. Oh well.

The run itself was great. I even ended up doing 7 miles, although the last mile was just a cool down mile which is why it's slower than the rest. But interesting that while I slowed down my max heart rate was higher than any other mile. As much as I don't like walk breaks, I definitely feel stronger after several miles. Guess I'll stay with them for a while. I still want to experiment with 5 min run/1 min walk on a shorter run.

What's interesting to me is Lap 5 and 6 because even though I was getting tired, (after steading incline for a mile or so) I used a few ChiRunning check-ins -- checking my posture, keeping my feet landing just behind my center of gravity and focusing on maintaining my lean -- and look what happened: two of the best miles in the entire run. I do love CR.

I know this is all boring for anyone reading this but lately I really need to use this blog just to track what's going on with my heart rate more than trying to be entertaining in any way.

Lap 1: 11:19
Lap 2: 11:22
Lap 3: 11:11
Lap 4: 11:36
Lap 5: 11:25
Lap 6: 10:54
Lap 7: 11:44

Ave. HR/Max HR
Lap 1: 157/163
Lap 2: 160/171
Lap 3: 166/175
Lap 4: 167/174
Lap 5: 167/173
Lap 6: 166/173
Lap 7: 166/177

Paying for pain personal trainer style

I had my first workout with a personal trainer yesterday. I want to lose at least 10 pounds, firm up my arms and strengthen my core. She started with an upper body workout. I'm not overly sore this morning but I'm feeling a few muscles I haven't felt in a while. It's hard to imagine paying for this pain. Reminds me of golf where I'll plunk down $50 bucks for a round of golf and the "pleasure" of losing lots of golf balls and my patience.

I have found I must be the weakest woman in the world. She wants me to do 3 sets of each exercise, but after watching me struggle through 2 sets, she told me to do the best I can. The good thing is there no place to go but up from here.

Next week, we'll cover my lower body workout. I don't need big, strong legs for ChiRunning (our legs are for support only), which is good because ever since knee surgery, lunges and squats are a thing of the past. So I'm interested to see what she comes up with.

She wants me to workout four days a week in addition to my runs. At least it's only 30 minutes a day for the weights. But that means four days of weights, four runs and one yoga class a week. And that doesn't even count hitting the bike when the warmer temps arrive. How will I fit it all in?

Mile 1: 10:52
Mile 2 11:20 (1 min walk break)
Mile 3: 11:47 (1 min walk break)
Mile 4; 11:11 (run 5 mins/walk 1 min)

Ave HR/Max HR
Mile 1: 164/170
Mile 2: 167/174
Mile 3: 165/177
Mile 4: 169:177